Change the World, you say

Beloved Reader,
Dear Co-Creator,
Play with me as I process:

Today as I pour my hot cup of tea, I consider my privilege to consider responsibility, obligation, a call to arms in a world continually falling apart each time I open my eyes. I have been a guest in a garden this last Spring growing cut flowers, and a fresh batch of yellow tulips is up today from the soil. Another plant, before it flowered, was thought to be a weed and it turned out to flower rather beautifully. The keeper of the garden tells me he's glad he didn't manage to pull them all out.

Today I feel pulled in so many directions, so many paths forward. The urge to return to my comforts and desire to be Good. To speak and to be silent. To be vulnerable and be hurt. To be silent and be rewarded by a self-perpetuated culture of advantage and complacency. To be clumsy, to save this person and these people. To acknowledge my power afforded by my advantages and so perhaps my responsibility.

I consider what I consider to be "Enough" from me against the backdrop of a crumbling horizon.
The past several months have Deformed me.
I will never be the same.
This is for me to know, and I know this is True.
and
I am the only one with patterns I can control. 


So I am responsible to control me by this logic!
If I am not a part of the solution I am part of the problem
(This feels like Dualistic thought. Another example:
If I am not changing the world for the better, I am changing it for the worse.)
Here's a skimmable skippable readable belief I carry around related to Dualistic thought: To call out a thought as dualistic is to unknowingly participate in an agenda. To participate in agenda I do not agree with is to be manipulated. To participate in agenda I believe in is patriotic. To refuse to play the game at all of "With or Against" is to be a coward? Or to be named "other" and shamed fought battled to be control to be fodder or gunpowder? And ultimately unwillingly thrown into the game at the cost of pain, shame, exile to Wilderness.

"If you're not with us, you're against us."
"If you don't play my game it's gonna cost ya."
Opportunity, Reputation. Those who control the resources control the price on not playing the game.
The idea of Power was true on the playground and the idea of Power is true here.
This idea of being classified into compliance makes my hackles go up just to express. I want to pick a side proactively so I don't get lumped into the wrong side? The losing side? Oh to refuse to play! To not choose is to suffer and to choose too late is to choose poorly! The ultimate shame of refusing to play the game of WWII! The price of not playing goes up, up, up. I feel like I can't just "end up" on the good side. I feel like the good side must be chosen and committed to. All goodness seems to have an aspect of commitment. Commit to God. Commit to Loving. To be uncommitted is to be lazy, an adulterer. Duality, hm.

"Can't we just Love?!?!"
No, this, too, is called Spiritual Bypassing.
Unpacking my process is called White Fragility.
Laying these thoughts out in this way is called Gaslighting.
I am Horrible, which is called Self-Pity, a Pity-Party, a defense I use to stealth-cloak myself from a Dualistic occasion, competitive game.

My inner child is here and he is so frustrated. My inner patriot is here. My inner life coach. My inner angry protester. My Special Snowflake. My Alt-Right. My Freedom Left. My inner Moderate. I carry my politics like a sloppy necklace. I am white I am white I am white I am white I am white. I am  delicate, willfully ignorant, gaslighting gaslighter, hypocrite preacher. I preach false love in pursuit of God. There is my privilege. To dwell in self-composed righteousness.

Oh, let me mire in my Privilege. Here is my Inheritance I take ownership of, I call on all the work of my ancestors to Claim this Truth of Me:



“I am. There is. That’s it.” says the singular One.

Says God.
Says grace.
Says the wordless Wub of Being.
I use this mantric idea as a rock step in my partner dance of discernment. I throw it all out and I am One and I build again from there. So I am in a partner dance with my little time, but still we dance and so acknowledge the same song. Call the song the mythology of Death.



When CHANGE THE WORLD becomes spoken in the context of the partner dance whose rock step is DEATH, even control of others comes through careful REPOSITIONING of MYSELF, my vantage point, my perspective, the context or frame which surrounds my lens of the world.

A poem:
"I am going to die.
I need to change the world for Everyone!
Everyone is going to die.
I need to change the world to save the world, 
The world is dying.
The world will die.
Is that all there is to say 
This flickering candle in my chest?"

So I ask, where does this eagerness for control come from? Save the world. To save the world by some loudest and kindest and most holistic agenda? To Control what I may in a Responsible way.

I ask myself, as I stir my hot tea, on what hill will I die with my one life?

I consider my responsibility to this garden.
The time it takes to pull weeds instead of read about the world.
The engagement and attention it takes to notice what plants are asking for.
To study the other caretakers of plants and carry their lessons in the yard.

Because my sense of responsibility is linked very directly with my sense of control, although I have been taught I am in control of my destiny. Work hard, earn reward. If I am rewarded, I have worked hard, I am responsible. If I fail, and I have control, I am “irresponsible”.

If, on the other hand, the work is out of my control, I am not “responsible”. It is unfair to judge me as "Irresponsible" if I had no power, no control. To judge one who is powerless is against the rules of the society I abide by. The weight behind Fairness of a judgment is due to the consequential nature of being named irresponsible.

Irresponsible children lose their privileges.
Irresponsible drivers lose their license.
Irresponsible parents lose their children.

This garden began with the soil (or perhaps the garden began with an idea or intention, if you like!). These pesky weeds with blue flowers grow everywhere. I am too slow to pick them all. How shameful, how irresponsible.

“Responsible”, as a societal label:
To be heralded as responsible is to be in control of what others EXPECT I Should-Be-In-Control-of. The idea of connecting the social Title of "responsible adult" as something I can only receive "Externally" is important.

To be called Responsible, to me, is to be given safe passage through an institution. When one Responsible Person calls Me Responsible, it doesn’t matter if I actually respond to what I have control of. Just like if I get caught speeding it doesn’t mean that I speed all the time. The way I thought it was supposed to work is that To Be Caught Speeding means I must speed often enough to warrant create an unsafe environment.

Some greater statistical analysis can tell me, by way of ticketing, that I am being unsafe. That's what I thought. Some wisdom of past stories, past experiences, higher knowledge of the species can inform my behavior so I do not harm in the way others have mistakenly brought harm.

That was my idea of law and order.

George Floyd
Breonna Taylor
Elijah McCain

You all have died for so long unnamed and I am naming you now to begin to feel what my body has capacity to feel. Still, simply naming is not Enough in my eyes. I invite and so seek the rest of your story and those who have witnessed your lives. Spider Man says I am Responsible so long as I have Power.  I have Power so long as I have Breath.

—-

I consider My Privilege in the face of the reformation of “The System” which I name a trade game started years ago. The trade game fought with "off the grid" and the trade game which has wrapped more and more STUFF into the game. Nobody has to play, but there is a COST by those with Power, and the cost of not playing has increasingly become Cold Hungry Torturned Death.

To name "the system” is to name my bias. To name my bias is to out myself in the game, to out myself in the Duality as somebody's "Us" and somebody's "Them".

I know Nothing At All.  For now I believe the following:
+ Listening to Black, Indigenous, and People of Color will Save Everyone
+ Every dollar spent or donated is a vote
+ Power Always comes with Responsibility
+ The Path Forward Will Be Hilarious and Nonsensical
+ Everybody is Already Worthy of Love

And so comes Relationship. Ah, sweet holy, a word for another day. My tea is low now, the last bit, the rate I drink my tea ends with this cold, bitter drop. I feel it a waste to throw it out so I drink the tea out of obligation.

The tulips are up and while I gulp the dregs, the tulips are picked by the hand of the garden's keeper. I consider our control and our responsibilities in the garden briefly and I stand up to go inside and clean my mug.

Take it up with me, those who are looking to spar, to sharpen, I have said my piece and I am here to listen.

Summertime Anti-Racism BlogPoem

Dear Beloved,

I am doing my absolute best.
I am a woodpile who hears a whispering tale of sparks and fire.

I can only imagine what anybody else is experiencing right now.
I do not know how anybody's experience feels.

---

What I’m noticing about myself at this point in my process:

+Today I notice the RELIEF I feel pouring through my Black Lives Matter and Anti-Racism-Education resources, articles, blogs, YouTube videos. I acknowledge my schedule and pressure to align my energy to my priorities. I fear this time to receive and to listen has come at the cost of my own "nothing day" relaxedness and well-being. I do not know what this means, exactly, and still I recognize the sensation of breathing fresh air which has come with my study.
(My most comprehensive resource below:)
https://www.michaelcaloz.com/race-for-white-people-part-1/?fbclid=IwAR1ZdQC2N8XAbJ8lq190Bb-BR98_ImKcH7Leixm31bz6jitwoAuERo5ly2w

+ I build common vocabulary from common ground.

+ When I feel seen and heard, it is easy for me to share and listen.

+I build into my process moments to check in and make space to express discomfort.

+ I know the process I follow to build trust and I know how to make space for that process.

+ I visualize listening as wiggling my headphone wires until the music catches and goes through.

+ The energy that I turn towards listening and acting with the Black Lives Matter movement is harmonious with the environmental movement and so begins with racial justice. I see how they are connected.

I’ve been playing with this idea of:
“How I do anything is how I do everything.”
Dismissing parts within myself is dismissing communities as dismissing aspects of the earth. Viewing productivity and industrialism within myself gives me lenses to view productivity and industrialism in my relationships, my career, and the ways I vote.

My vote is my attention. My vote is my dollar. My vote is my ballot. My vote is my little choices in every day.

Trying to change others is an act of trying to change myself. I invite myself to notice when I take the words of others personally. I am deciding to accept others work to change me as work to change themselves and I hold that so gently because I cannot be changed by them, I, ultimately, must be the one to buy in.

Still this pressure!
What does it look like
Within me
What does an energetic relief valve look like in an online space?
Can this pressure fill balloons?
Can this pressure be a pressure washer?
Can this tension fire arrows?
Can this tension hold a sail?
Can this pressure bring fresh water to freshwater taps in homes and fields?

How do I recognize the language of call in my everyday life?

I am a woodpile surrounded by sparks. I am an oil tanker on a dry hot day on grinding wheels.

The woodpile can burn and it’s a disaster or the woodpile can be chopped and cared for and keep us warm all winter until the summer comes.

So it goes
So it goes
So it is

Riley

POEM: The Hum of the Machine Generator

The machine is spinning and I don’t know why, but I don’t want to stop it if it won’t start again. I don’t want to run it if I don’t need to run it, but I don’t want to stop it if it doesn’t start again.

What does it do? It spins round and round but I don’t want to stop it if it don’t start again.

I think of the quiet I imagine the longing I imagine the coldness if it doesn’t start up again.

I’m feeling pretty good, but I don’t know if I should, while the robots are all purring I find myself all worrying if I turn all the lights off will I feel even better and if I miss them all, will they start again?

It’s all bound to stop and it’s all bound to start, the dance it keeps on going, there’s noise and there’s quiet.

I forget how the quiet can move me so. My mind fills with with ideas of expecting noise. When the noise doesn’t come I feel so unsafe and wrong. If I turn the machine off, can I turn it back on?

Will I feel stuck in the quiet? Will I meet the face of God? Will I feel my heart a-Twitter as the chills take over my bones? Will I start to feel a hunger that I’ve never known before? Will I cry and long and rage to turn the engine on again?

Will I see again the stars, as I fade away, myself? Will I regret what i once had when the lights turn off again?

Will I think of my comforts? Will I wonder what I’ve done? Will I learn at last what I had when the engine’s only cold and still?

It was a joy to get it running and a joy to turn it off, I remember the struggle, too! But now that it’s running I wonder what I don’t remember missing. I’m feeling rather numb to all those quiet feelings before I turned the machine on.

The machine is spinning and I don’t know why, but I don’t want to stop it if it won’t start again.  

 

 

RE: A Rich Man's Thoughts on a Bonfire

Good Evening Beloved,

I begin by invoking the idea of "Love is light is energy". To know love to know light is to know dark, cold, is to know warm, to know too warm or too cold. I invoke this spectrum of "attunement" VS "out of tune" rather than "hot" or "cold". The discomfort of too much or too little of any quality, rather than having the wrong quality. I'll define Love here not as Noise nor Silence, but the song which occurs between.

Love is my chief value and my first lover, my only most perfect life partner. Born out of love and into love, it is love which calls me down the pathway of my journey.

...

The sun is down. Energy has been distributed, parcels of firewood.

(I am the shepherd of my firewood parcel. My bank account is my flock. My net worth is infinite. My wallet my home my possessions are my flock.)

The bonfire is low, and I like the bonfire, I am the bonfire, I am the bonfire and I have arms, I can reach out and place parcels of wood, I am at a beach party, I am in the woods at a campfire with good stories, there are friends with guitars singing. I like being warm and I like the party. I like the tribe. 

The tribe is not be-all end-all, no, the tribe is not everything, there is the entire wilderness which is alive. The tribe, this society, feels like everything right now, it feels precious in the vastness of wilderness. The tribe guides me and teaches me and knows me and gives me the nourishment of feeling the giving of support and being supported. The tribe shows me what I agree with by having disagreeable quality. The tribe shows me what godlove is in this way. The tribe teaches me what it is to be loved, to love. The tribe shows me who I am. The tribe is a nourishing vitamin to my human experience.

The nourishment of providing. Being provided for. Providing for myself, providing for others. Providing the opportunity to experience withholding.

Dams are batteries. Dams hold energy. Dams demand maintenance. Maintenance is energy. Holding onto things is energy. Storage is energy. Space is energy. Dams silt up over time. Dams are an idea which exist within myself, too. I store and withhold energy for droughts. I maintain and neglect my dams. Downstream rivers will feel this. The valley of me is inundated. Everything is tradeoffs. Energy is neither created nor destroyed. 

My idea of "waste" is just energy escaping my eco-system as defined by my attention. If I cannot see it, it is gone. Is it gone if someone else sees? I try to maintain energy within my system. Energy spent is energy returned. This is the idea of investment. Investment with returns can be its own withholding. Its own dam.

Withholding is a part of the process, too. To be a withholder is a part of the path of being human here, now, as myself. To be a withholder is to know withholding. I withhold while I am called to withhold, even with the shame of being judged by myself as a withholder. A withholder is an archetype of the shame-inducer "selfish". The antithesis to "sharing is caring". A withholder is inconsiderate and uncaring and deserves consequences, says my judge.

The beach party bonfire.

I get to identify where the flame is low and where this firewood will go. To me, my withholding, to others, even to my detriment. My detriment for oversharing, undernourishing, my detriment for holding too tightly. Fear, shame, guilt. I offer this human experience. 

Every dollar is a vote. Dollars are energy. Voting is dollars is energy. What if instead of "how can I grow my investment?" I asked myself "what do I want to hold up?" Holding space takes energy. Where I spend my energy, how I spend my energy, WHY I spend my energy begs the question of values.

So many are asking for support. Shame says bleed out everywhere. Give here, give here. To support by way of shame is to endorse shame. To support by way of love is to endorse love. 

I am a part of the bonfire, too. The campfire is me. I love the sounds of chatter and guitar and beer cans and the smell of wood and the sounds of the night contrasting the coziness.   

So I close by setting down this thought:

Love is light is energy. I am the shepherd of the energy which I only call "mine" by name. My energy is not my worth, but instead my flock, it is I who leads who teaches my flock who I am. I am born of love and live by love and love is what calls me on my way.

Whimsy Reflecting on Misfortune in a Time of Uncertainty

An open letter to Beloved humans:

It's worth prefacing this whole account by saying I've been intending to get a "dumb phone" as a replacement for when my current smart phone gave out. And my smart phone was certainly on its way out.

My car got stolen (for a second time since June 2019) on Valentine's (Yes I did have a date planned and the plans fell through and also my brother was stranded to the bus system at the train station).

I found my car a week later (three blocks from my house) with the ignition ripped out and I had it towed. While trying to fix it in the driveway, I dropped my phone on the driveway, which brought the impending "What phone will Riley get?" decision moment which I was avoiding TO THE FOREFRONT.

and I decided to get a SMARTER phone.

Decisions have been made. I am going to be the owner of my first iPhone! Getting a refurbished iPhone 7 instead of a slider phone.

Nophone life, however brief, was interesting, lasting from Saturday until Thursday (during which time my laptop hard drive decided to give out). I'm noticing there's anticipation for new phone
and some habit, some tick that wants to CHECK something. But not having a phone gives that tick PERMISSION to RELAX. Like "nothin' I could do, boss! Phone was all gone, I did my best, I have relieved my responsibilities for connectedness."

Ahh.

Noticing not having a phone is generally more of a relief than a stress, at least for a while. I'm wondering how I can build boundaries with myself to continue this practice of relief into having-a-phone-life, even if it's sometimes. If I could reinforce some inner discipline to create an inner-sanctum.

(Without a phone like I CAN'T do ANYTHING and so I'm less anxious to TRY to do EVERYTHING. This feels like the crux.)

Having no phone feels as if there is no requirement for an inner boundary, or self-discipline.

I'm limited by the circumstance and the circumstance is teaching me a new way to relax
that I usually don't allow?

[Hello Coronavirus?]

When the circumstance changes [cough cough]
When I have a phone within my reach

I am the holder of the limits, rather than the circumstance.

I'm wondering if I could use a self-boundary to bring in that rest. What would it look like if I could give my permission to myself to release that responsibility, even just to recover?

Does the feeling of spacing myself from my phone call on the experience of losing my phone to teach my body how to relax? Can I self-guide myself to recreate this sense of "ah, I don't have a phone, I couldn't even if I wanted to, I am free of this responsibility."

Reflecting on this is a joyful exercise.

(a socially distanced hug)
Riley

Pi day, Portland, Quoronantine

Snow and Virus Flurries and Pie Day

It’s snowing today in Portland.

Pi day and I’m at the pie shop. Random order Pie Bar. I’m not sick, but most people are staying home from work next week and I’m worried because I’m not because I don’t have a computer. Mine just broke. Hard drive death.

Whew.

Corona flurry.
I find myself returning to headlines and articles. I get saturated. Something new closed. There’s an argument for why it should close sooner or stay open longer. There’s another event being hosted online instead of in person. Cancelled in person. Stay connected. Isolate. The market crashes. The country is breaking open its piggy bank. Where would that money have gone otherwise? Where will we be in months from now? My eyes hurt, the speculating gives me a headache. Right here and now I am good, we are good, the people I hold most dearly are raising up prayers and visions of peace. I have love in my heart. The response to this new unknown starts in me. The unknown becomes a playground of possibility. I am sober and alive.

I’m putting stuff off. Attached to doing this work I keep putting off. Car needs repair. Computer needs replacing. I know I’ve been putting off my taxes, but now I don’t have a computer. I keep meaning to go mattress shopping. I have resources but I fear I am mismanaging them. Where will they be in a few weeks? Am I fulfilling needs or inflating my lifestyle? I am ashamed of decadence. Self discipline is so much self inflicted hurting. Negative reinforcement. Stay warm stay fed. Wash your hands.

The thoughts come in cycles. The worries take turns. I’m thinking about my car now. The ignition has been ruined for weeks and I took apart the console to try and fix it and now it won’t go back in. Also the front tire is low. Maybe flat.

I’m thinking about escapism. Having drinks or eating sugar, snacks, playing old video games, drinking coffee just for the weekend buzz. Visions are tantalizing, and cycles of shame wave in and out. I consider that the pleasure of purchasing is within me, so I put my wallet down. I turn to writing. This feels like safe escapism which is record keeping which is also a safe form of expression. Which is free, which is healthy and productive and creatively nourishing for myself and for others. Writing is resonant with my heart and my hands. Here I am, writing.

I also haven’t done my taxes. Telling myself I will when I get my new laptop. There’s one in the mail, but it’s refurbished and 5 years old. I thought a lot about this. I fear being swindled or mistaken. I also fear purchasing a new machine out of fear. My pride fears advice. I like to believe money can build a repair economy where it can. I believe money represents energy (and so also time) more than it represents gold. Every dollar is a vote. Every vote is energy bringing ideas into life. I believe I can encourage quality over quantity with my dollar.

So I am home. So it is Saturday. The house is quiet and there is a gentle camaraderie. We are baking cookies and watching Frozen 2.

Another friend says she is flying back from Colorado soon. She says we can watch the world fall apart with instruments in our hands. I am learning Pink Floyd’s “Time” today. It resonates with the quiet recreational moments framed by the fleeting nature of mortality. Today I reckon with the dread and the joy of being alive and at least one kind of temporary. I believe that in this mindspace there is fertility for reverence.

Stay warm, Beloved. Keep your lanterns lit. Maybe watch Frozen 2 if you like. Disney released it 3 months early just for this pandemic. Historic gesture, if you ask me.

Peace,
Riley

Ode to "FITTIBUB"

This year's sentiment has been "Be Here Now", and for me that has been centered around the idea of Release. I use the word release like letting go of how I think I want in order to feel good and focusing on just feeling good with whatever I have, whatever is right here right now.

I've learned that I have been gifted tenacious social energy that feels like "anxiety" when neglected. I have a lot to settle down before my delicate inner self is tuned into another person, even when I want to be open, open, open. My own opening and vulnerability can feel like I'm forcing you to be open and vulnerable and that shuts people down. 

I've been trying to find a way to make it clear that I don't want undue pressure on a connection, I don't want you to share what you don't want to share, but I still want to share that I want to share. (I don't have to tell you THE STUFF, I just want to tell you THERE IS STUFF). Part of me opening up involves me asking you to open up, to gauge what you feel able to receive of me.

I've found vocabulary to navigate my own sensitivities and anxieties in tandem with my curiosities and have developed my practice for guiding somebody through my nervous system so I can help them help me build mutual trust conducive to an "authentic relationship" full of YES and NO and EDGES and BOUNDARIES that guide the wonder of HUMAN RELATIONSHIP. 

TA-DA.

At its best, this practice has cultivated a cozy and meaningful intimacy that deepens and heals. At its worst, a discomfort that indicates a mismatch and feels like abandonment and "let's not talk" or feels like "not good enough". To this point, I've called it "connecting", or "diving deep", "unfolding", or "opening", but there's certain connotations that weigh down the real intent of my curiosity.

Enter "Fittibub", stage right.

DEFINITION
The word "Fittibub" as I use it, is a state of intimacy between people where involved parties share both OPENING and CLOSING sensations (vulnerable truths, desires, hesitations, curiosities, boundaries, edges) in order to digest TRAUMA (whatever triggers, wanderings, upsets, and unfit projections separate the person from being present) to cultivate TRUST and so find rest in a place of presence, peace, and whimsy in relationship.

Fittibub is akin to and used similarly as the word Hygge, which we'll define here as a feeling of warmth and coziness in a group. A pleasant family gathering with a warm fire on a wintery night, say. Fittibub is along those lines, but more intimate, and more curious, and feels more like two children playing in a sandbox, or with a chest of toys. I've experienced Fittibub most potently in a space with just one other person, as this is the most nimble and adaptable relationship in terms of buy-in.

PROCESS

BEGINNING
Fittibub begins with a seed underground. An honest desire to connect from both people. To really be known, even if that desire is buried beneath fears. Roots set by the water of whimsy and the nourishment of shares and listening composting the soil. The sunlight of presence continue to feed Fittibub's expression. Cultivation often passes through sensations of discomfort or awkwardness and is reset to the pace of the participants.

PARTICIPANTS

There is room for everyone and all feelings in Fittibub because Fittibub lets go of what is unnecessary and returns to where the attention, the energy of connection is. Fittibub understands that all involved parties are worthy of being in Fittibub. Nobody can earn Fittibub. Nobody can achieve Fittibub. Fittibub is cultivated like a garden. Fittibub is always available to those who invite it in.

Fittibub considers first and foremost only those parties immediately engaged in Fittibub. 
In a party of 2, there's 4 participants to be acknowledged. There's 1) my idea (or projection) of me, 2) my idea of you, 3) your idea of you, and 4) your idea of me. Fittibub expresses judgments and projections as curiosities. Generalizations about "the way people work" are best expressed as "the way I work" and "the way You work". This is believed to cultivate presence.

PRESENCE
Fittibub remains in the present moment by expressing when thoughts of the past (longing and regret) and the future (hopes and worries) come up and is interested to identify what sort of present feeling drives the participant to move into the past and the future. 

LANGUAGE
Fittibub understands that language is "house rules", and that definitions are not absolute. Fittibub extends its leaves with "tuning" to check the difference between what is "said" and what is "heard". Fittibub understands that there is a difference between what is SAID and what is HEARD. Crossing the distance between what is SAID and what is HEARD is accomplished by slowing down and "retuning". Fittibub slows down and "retunes" to each new connection and each new upset or wave of energy. Fittibub agrees to pause whenever anyone takes anything personally, and to reaffirm the relationship, the connection.

EXPRESSION/CONNECTION/TRUTH
Fittibub understands that connection is more important than the sensations of the body. And that expression of the sensations of the body are what sustain Fittibub. Fittibub makes room for food and water and welcome touch and space and stretches and bathroom breaks. These are good moments to check in and see whether Fittibub wants to adjust or feels complete. Fittibub makes room for true (what is felt in the body) pride, shame, and desire to be expressed and acknowledged. Fittibub invites those participants to share their Ask, their expression. Fittibub follows "Yes" and makes space for "No" and "I don't know". None of which are more desirable in principle than the others. 

There is no falling behind or getting ahead in Fittibub. Fittibub makes time for all uncomforts to be heard and understood, and addressed to the best abilities of those involved, and so can move very slowly. Fittibub is first and foremost concerned with finding the unique pitch, tone, and tempo that comes out of each participant, like an emotional drum circle.

Fittibub is paced so participants remain on tempo with noticing and presencing reactions that arise in their body. Assumptions that are made and stories that are woven to orient around those feelings. ("I felt bad when he said that, he must have meant that to hurt me")

A response to a share might be "how did that feel to share?" This takes the attention of the other away from the weeds of the story and into their body, their now, with the person. A response to "how did that feel to share?" might sound like "I feel relief like a weight lifted; I feel surprised to have said it; I feel fear in how you might respond."

LISTENING
Fittibub listens, affirms, reflects, and unpacks because Fittibub has a vested interest in what the other person is paying attention to. Fittibub does not want to HAVE the other's attention, Fittibub wants to UNDERSTAND what MOTIVATES the other's attention, as vaguely or specifically as that attention (whether it be "opening" or "closing" in nature) wants to be known.

Fittibub pays more attention to energy (tone, body language, context, word CHOICE) than words alone. Fittibub understands words are only scaffolding to relationship. What-is-said kneels before what-is-true. 

Fittibub understand that expression and listening are more important than fulfillment. This makes room for The Ask. Fittibub understands that language is "house rules" (no definition is absolute, words are just used to convey meaning) and so pauses to check the meaning of each word.

COMFORTABLE SILENCE
Fittibub is as comfortable in silence as it is in dialogue or play. Fittibub notices nervous chatter or nervous silence and is curious about the source of nervous energy.

Fittibub uses boredom and disengagement not as a judgment of worth, but as an indicator that the connection is not making space for all the attentions involved. This is a moment to check in, whether you are bored or The Other seems bored.

FOR ITS OWN SAKE
Fittibub has no end-game, but is aware of and curious about the attention of the Self and the Other. Fittibub is steered by Whimsical and Meaningful Curiosity and fueled is by epiphany. 

INVITATIONS
Each curiosity presented is only an invitation. Fittibub does not expect fulfillment so much as listening, attention, and space.

Fittibub is curious for curiosity's sake. Fittibub is expressive for expression's sake. Fittibub only wants to hear what wants to be shared.

EDGES
Fittibub understands and gently explores Edges as ways to healing old trauma and expand what's available to the participants. ("edges" feel like "I'm not sure about this, let's slow down and proceed carefully")

BOUNDARIES
Fittibub understands and wholly respects Boundaries as guides to connection to avoid triggers. ("boundaries" feel like "nope, nope, nope, that's wrong for me")

TRIGGERS

The road to Fittibub invariably triggers people. Fittibub understands that nobody is responsible for the trigger, but makes space to unpack a trigger. By discerning the difference between an old trauma response and the truth of the involved people's desire for connection, those involved in cultivating Fittibub proceed carefully through "edges"  and so evolve their state of Fittibub. 

It is a return to trust that moves trigger responses through and returns to connection. Trust is the campfire. Trust is the energy that binds relationship and dissolves old wounds. Trust makes room for life to move through participants, in all its uncertainty. It is the north star that moves participants through discomforts like hurt and doubt.

TAKING SOMETHING PERSONALLY/FORGIVENESS
Fittibub admits when something is taken personally, and understands that taking something personally is self-inflicted, and that there is no shame in this. It becomes an opportunity for healing within the container of Fittibub.

FORGIVENESS
Fittibub releases stories not relevant to the connection. It identifies sensations and holds space for presence. Forgiveness is the death of what was assumed. Forgiveness is the confession of being wrong. The airing of the shame of being wrong. The witnessing of shame. Fittibub is a steady stream of projections and second chances.

Fittibub allows forgiveness because it releases the pride of being right. Fittibub starts over when the conversation dies. Fittibub dies and dies and dies again. Fittibub lets go of "I forget where I was" and understands that tracking details is less important than connection, which is defined by everyone's attention noticing the same thing at the same time.

RE-TUNING
Trust is paramount to the sanctity of Fittibub. Forgiveness is invited to be abundant. Trust-building happens at a pace that is comfortable for ALL participants to express EACH assumption as they arise. A conversation that moves too fast is full of assumptions. To slow down is to make room for assumptions to be shared and affirmed or dispelled.

Fittibub can be stopped at any time by any of the participants. Fittibub only wants to have what wants to be had. To receive what wants to be given, and to be given what wants to be received. It is my understanding of Fittibub that people usually have something that others want and want something others have. Fittibub is a Way of emotional exchange, closing a circuit to pass electricity between hearts. 

INNER CHILD
Fittibub is a connecting, deepening and healing endeavor. Fittibub is a dance of the minds. Fittibub is a homeostasis of more than one nervous system in relationship. Fettibub is fun at its healthiest expression. While in a state of Fittibub, all involved parties have made space for their inner child and have access to otherwise unfettered joy and whimsy. As this joy and whimsy inspires new activities, new edges and boundaries will arise, those in a state of Fittibub can pause and dispel unwarranted fears or unpack and explore in a mutual search for "same-page-ness" to bask in mutual presence and wonder.

COMPLETE

Fittibub knows when it is done and when it is not. Fittibub understands there is a difference between being "done" with a thought and being "complete" with an interaction. Fittibub does not need to be done to feel complete. Completion does not reflect the potency of the interaction. Fittibub mindfully disengages upon completion. 

ETYMOLOGY

The word itself was born in pursuit of the thing it describes. Ice-breaking is the first act of Fittibub. It is rinsed and repeated into more refined depths of connection.

The word Fittibub was born in a game of banangrams intended to instill a sense of hygge between the housemates and the visitors before our group Friendsgiving. I caught myself stressed out trying to keep up with the game, which requires making scrabble words with letter pieces. I thought it was funny to just see what kind of silly words I could make instead and decided my laughter was more important than my competitiveness. I made myself laugh enough times t

o convince the group to join in my game, so we set out to assemble "and define" fake words instead.

One of the players, destined to be a Fittibub pioneer, drew the letters B-U-B. The next letter she drew was "I", and so held "I-B-U-B". The next letters she drew were "T", another "T", a second "I", and finally an "F". Each letter called themselves to the nonword, "Bub" and so gave way to "F-I-T-T-I-B-U-B", which had the group in deep belly laughs, speculating its meaning.

The bracelet "FITTIBUB" was far and wide the anchoring act of thoughtfulness that bridged connection between triggers. It wasn't supposed to be made, but I made it because I thought it was funny to bring to the show. It served as the inside joke that survived a relationship to the fires of mistrust and old relationship wounds that came up as I pursued connection with this person.

Fittibub was given meaning on a date between two people who do not live in the same town, who decided to connect intimately by way of heart instead of bodies. Fittibub is the word I use to describe experiences I have had before and now experiences I will have later.

Fittibub lives in its use. If anyone has had an experience like this, or would like to, please use this article as a basis, an inspiration for a place to go with someone who you'd like to connect with. Instead of "let's hang out", we could say "let's bring in some Fittibub"

Remember, even born in a state of whimsy, words have power.

The keyboard and the touchscreen are mightier than bombs, fires, and oceans.

So says Fittibub.