I thought myself to be most important person
I thought I sucked
I was very disappointed in myself for sucking, and remind myself that it's a big deal because of how important I am.
I made a sport of escaping my wandering mind every night before bed in order to fall asleep. The game involved suppressing creative capacities and ambitions that trigger worry and wonder right before bed in order to fall asleep in time to wake up rested. Healthy sleep was dullness of mind. Wonder and creativity left me weary and feeling irresponsible.
Learning has been among my chief joys, but it seems to pull more energy out of me. Does it bring me energy? Does a lazy day recharge batteries or sap strength? I. DO. NOT. KNOW.
I've been anxious to have wasted my time. Whether I'm working too hard or planning too much or being entirely too distracted, at the end of every day, I think of all the ways I could have spent my time. I've believed that using those infinite counts of regret will improve the future through reflection and self-discipline.
So I budgeted my adolescence to last until I'm 37. That no matter what, my time until then will be wasted, so I should just be in the middle of every wasted minute instead of shepherding them into responsible hours.
Offering myself such a wealth of otherwise fleeting time comforts me, and I hope will cultivate a more genuine person.
Life is not pretty. I find it easy to plan for life experiences to be glamorous, but I must believe it is beautiful mostly in a muddy and lonely way. That perspective leaves me feeling sad and I tell myself I'm wrong for being so dark, and that I should cheer up and turn the lights on.
With all that I have and all I am capable of, I firmly believe that I have been living my life incorrectly.
I've kept myself hungry and cheap and indoors and too proud for help. This internal passive-aggression is now evidence to me that I have been neglecting or punishing my inner-child.
How would I treat a child in this house? Certainly much better than I've treated myself. I'd take the child out for ice cream, have only good listening, embrace sadness but discourage moping, and encourage healthy expression, engagement, activity. I would be proud to see a child reading, learning, going outside, or meeting with friends. Even finding a good spot to ride a bike to see the sunset.
