Beloved Reader;
I've been encountering nervous "should" energy that's telling me how to live my life lately, especially as I lean deeper into sharing vulnerably.
You'll notice defensive energy. That's real. That's from feeling excitement about my work and feeling shame in sharing that excitement.
Please read with an open heart. Please notice when you are emotionally triggered. Know that I'm doing my best. Know that I Love you.
I want you to know that's true.
It feels appropriate that I SEEM less happy.
I no longer am catering to YOU to make YOU feel comfortable when it comes to MY spirit, MY well-being.
I am taking ownership of my own relationship with Myself and I am honoring that foremost both to bring a gentleness to my spirit and also to believe you mean it when you say you Love me.
It's much harder to accept love if I do not believe the giver understands who they are giving their love to.
I have hid beneath a projection to avoid:
Conflict
Abandonment
Unworthiness
Advice
Mistakes
It's like how failing is much easier if I don't try. Conflict is much easier when I don't actually believe my side of the argument. And so on.
I've spent my life up to this point figuring out how to "seem" happy (which is to say happy to YOU) instead of how to "be" happy (which is to say happy in ME). I rarely even have the conversation in my head of "how am I?" It's typically "why aren't I happy? What should I be doing differently? Am I making a mistake right now?"
For me, "being" happy has started with figuring out what I'm "being" in the first place. (I must know how a string is tuned NOW in order to tune it to a particular note. What note do I want? Is the string sharp? Is the string flat?). And that's usually been a human mix of uncomfortable and messy and inarticulate and wordless and full of light.
~
Please check in with yourself now before we continue. Do you feel reactive? Energized? Calm? Curious?
It's a pretty big share. It's more rambly than coherent. It's full of sensitivity. It's all so real.
The short of it is: "Here I am. I invite you to be connected with me. Please also help me stay accountable in my connection with myself. "
~
I've been noticing an old slow-burn trauma
(separating myself from trusting my heart, my intuition, my Truth)
from the idea of "someone else"
(history, statistics, science and news cycles who speak truth, friends who care deeply, family who love me unconditionally, partners who know me at my worst, teachers who can see my struggle)
knowing "better than me".
(I have allowed Advice to muck over my compass.)
If I don't know best, how am I supposed to make any of my decisions on my own? (I hope you see that while guidance is critical to the human experience, that this message can get out of hand and work its way all the way down to how I justify choosing my toothbrush or flavors of ice cream, choosing the "best" one or "most popular" instead of the one I like).
Growing up, I did not learn how to build trust and relationship with Myself in the way that I've been learning the past year. Whether it was taught to me, whether I was listening, I do not know. What I do know is I did not receive, accept, or seek the healing message I've been so hungry for:
"I have perspective that will inform your life to avoid the pain I found or the suffering I've heard of. I have notes and a map for you. But you know best, I invite you to review my notes, my map, see if it feels true, decide if it helps. If not, I trust you to make the right decision for your path on your own. You know yourself best. Your struggle will uniquely give way to your Light."
That message was absent until recently. I instead accepted "Should" as gospel, and used it to judge myself and judge others. "This is how you need to live" and "You can't just X and expect Y." I refused to take responsibility for my relationship with myself when it felt WRONG. I was living as I ought to, and my job, my title, and reputation, who I hung out with, and what we all did evidenced that I am (or I am not) a good person.
Nurturing trust for my intuition, and instead abandoning it with utilitarian logic (authoring a rubric for being a good person and falling short every day). Nurturing trust in myself for me means owning my decisions. Acting against the grain when it is right and accepting the consequence. Listening to other perspectives, sure. Learning. And also practicing discernment. Then choosing. Then owning the consequence. And forgiving. Trusting, too, that my intuition is Good, and not just selfish instinct or impulse.
In angling my life for sainthood, I've bourne a constant self-correction, self-judgment, presented false happiness (fake-it-till-you-make-it happiness where the only milk and honey is external validation), made "good" feelings bigger (puffing up my cheeks), made "bad" feelings smaller (sucking in my belly). All to attract what others are looking for me to have (money, relationship, job) and to avoid what others are looking for me to avoid (sadness, confusion, instability).
I've built myself up by correcting and pushing down and looking down on others. I've shamed myself by looking up, at those who I believe are beyond my capabilities. I've been hiding (incubating) behind goofiness and persona, finding my light at 3 in the morning late night talks of philosophy and spirit and feelings less often with friends and sometimes more often with strangers.
It's uncomfortable to consider what I'm really capable of in this moment now.
In rest. In love. In care for the world.
I'm responsible for seeking that. I'm the only one who can bring my potential to life (and I do mean to say my actual potential, not some fantastic achievement).
because I'm the one with the most direct view of my nervous system.
The responsibility is Uncomfortable.
I'm working on sitting with Discomfort in the day:
Letting him in.
Listening to her.
Offering them real consideration.
Discomfort for so long has lit up the instruction to cover, hide, numb.
Today I lift the intention for my life be willing to lean in and fall down even if I can't get back up on my own. Fall down until I have to ask for help. Submit my pride to ask for guidance. I believe if I do not choose this in my life of really trying and really failing and so really finding Love, discomfort will grow, discomfort will find me and amplify in old age against the raging of my ego. This discomfort will go unnamed and manifest itself through blaming everything around me instead of allowing it to teach me where it came from.
All to say:
I am in a season of growth and it is uncomfortable and I welcome that because it is redefining how I accept and pass along energy in my life.
Pity, Obligation, and Loyalty, I release you. I accept the abandonment found in dying alone, so I do not build my life around an expectation. I reserve the right to release all advice and guidance, at the risk of my own stumbling. I ask for follow through, witness, and check-ins. I offer gratitude.
I accept the heartbreak at feeling abandoned when I speak my truth, when in reality, the abandonment is my own guiding light to a place where my truth is resonant. I accept that ache as a growing pang as I walk into what each day has for me Now.
I invite in those who feel Called to be in my life.
(Please take a moment to notice if you feel obligated or act out of loyalty)
I invite readers who feel Called to fall down the scripts of my heart.
(Please notice where you are "efforting" forward in contrast to feeling drawn in)
I invite Witnesses to my struggle, My growth. To learn my story and know I Was Here. That I'm doing My Work.
I invite you to share what moves you to be shared.
Know the value of my sharing for me is knowing own my willingness to make this process public.
If you feel called to speak into my life, I ask you to express that through curiosity and sharing what you hear before a Should comes out. I ask that you hold yourself and approach me with gentleness and patience.
I am in pursuit of what I believe to be real Love. Of my Light.
