6/6/13
Woah. I just realized my name is going to be with me my entire life. Riley Scott O'Boyle is going to be the name of a father, of a husband, of a professional, as well as the letters that will be inscribed on a tombstone. I get to wear those letters through all times.
It's felt like such a kid name all through my life, and being on the transitory cusp, I'm hitting a balance point where I'm all tripped up by new expectations hitting old skin.
11/11/19
But now, in this latest transitory cusp, I realize also that my name is not me.
None of those uses of the name are promised or sure. Simply imagined.
My name is only what context the reader (including myself) brings around the name. The adjectives. The verbs. The nouns associated with Riley. Past, present, future. Imagined.
My name is how the reader felt in relation to Riley or how others talk about Riley.
My name is where my story finds rest. Stillness. Constant.
"Riley" is a name that means "all that this animal has encountered, all he has done, all he has left, all he has taken". I see now Riley is a legacy that, when I am ready, I can pick up and lay down.
I am apart from "Riley". I know this because I, in my essence, (though not necessarily my actions) would remain equally deep, moving, and mysterious with another name. The very fact I have a name is evidence of the context in which I was born. The people surrounding me at my birth. I was born into and live in the agreement between lives where names are how relationships are kept track. My name is a waypost in my future relationships so that our trust-building does not start at 0, and so our established trust can be tracked. Imagine meeting me without a name. What would we say? How would you remember me? Perhaps you'd remember my eyes, my smell, the sounds and movements I made with my body. But how would you describe me? Suddenly with just a name, all of the essence of Myself that you and others can know, are simplified with one word.
"Riley"
It echoes just as we give names to quantities and measures.
There's utility to names, just as "six fish" is easier than saying "fish fish fish fish fish fish".
I speak this so I do not take my relationship with "Riley" so seriously.
So this name has served me, and so I have served this name. I have rallied energy to action in order to uphold the trustworthiness of Riley. The good lawful behavior of Riley. So as to find safe passage through a room, the street. To garner respect, I have pushed myself to my edges of comfort so the name "Riley" can mean valiant, hard-working, I have poured kindness and sought adventurous experience so "Riley" can be known to have lived. So "Riley" can be invited in. So "Riley" can be worth the time of day. Because when "Riley" is met, so I can be met. So I can be known.
And in part, I serve the name "Riley" so there will be a funeral and tears shed in the name of Riley so I can feel satisfied that my having been here meant something. To live for a legacy, and for that legacy to be a name. If affected lives can gather around this name and likeness, it will be as if I left a mark, like I was known in my wholeness.
The information age has taught me that knowing more about something does not mean I understand the thing. Just because I write a lot, because I'm all over Google, because I'm on YouTube and there's photos of my body and legal documents about what my life means, none of these data points can express my full depth. I will never be known so intimately as I know Myself. As deeply as God understands.
I write this with a subtle tone of whimsy at my word games.
So I separate Myself from "Riley" in my heart, and no longer treat it as a means to being Wholly Understood.
(which is to say in my heart I will identify more deeply with the quiet of my Being, and know my name is a word for relationship)
Yet, all of these data points associated with my name are beside me. My name and the flourish it inspires is my companion. My own personal bard to follow me as I walk through this life as a man.
So it is with the pride of my name. I fear shedding the pride and utility of Riley will bring into light how unimportant all this hustle is to me. I fear without the hustle, so the promise of Love will fall away. I will face heartache and abandonment. I fear I will fall into laziness or otherwise "fall off the path" and return with my tail tucked between my legs to a chorus of shame, of the debt-song of "I told you so, and now I'm here to save you".
Still, I do not need to serve this name as I once did. My name is my inheritance.
My inheritance is not what grants me Love.
My inheritance can be spent for Love.
So suddenly I am the Prodigal Son, full of fear, poised to leave home with my inheritance.
So also I am the good son, bitter and jealous at my irresponsible brother's celebration. I did not find my light. I did not test the water, and do not understand the grace afforded to me.
My intention, in this moment, is to live such that "Riley" inspires a softness and vulnerability in others, at least in those I am called to meet. I am a gardener of the heart. A cultivator of Truth. So I bear my name, walking as a friend with my ancestors, my reputation, my aspirations, a resting place for all the stories that swirl around the experience of my life.
Still, my heart tells me there is more than just this, than names and wonderings and realizations, so I continue to trod down my path.
