I've learned that I have been gifted tenacious social energy that feels like "anxiety" when neglected. I have a lot to settle down before my delicate inner self is tuned into another person, even when I want to be open, open, open. My own opening and vulnerability can feel like I'm forcing you to be open and vulnerable and that shuts people down.
I've been trying to find a way to make it clear that I don't want undue pressure on a connection, I don't want you to share what you don't want to share, but I still want to share that I want to share. (I don't have to tell you THE STUFF, I just want to tell you THERE IS STUFF). Part of me opening up involves me asking you to open up, to gauge what you feel able to receive of me.
I've found vocabulary to navigate my own sensitivities and anxieties in tandem with my curiosities and have developed my practice for guiding somebody through my nervous system so I can help them help me build mutual trust conducive to an "authentic relationship" full of YES and NO and EDGES and BOUNDARIES that guide the wonder of HUMAN RELATIONSHIP.
TA-DA.
At its best, this practice has cultivated a cozy and meaningful intimacy that deepens and heals. At its worst, a discomfort that indicates a mismatch and feels like abandonment and "let's not talk" or feels like "not good enough". To this point, I've called it "connecting", or "diving deep", "unfolding", or "opening", but there's certain connotations that weigh down the real intent of my curiosity.
Enter "Fittibub", stage right.
DEFINITION
The word "Fittibub" as I use it, is a state of intimacy between people where involved parties share both OPENING and CLOSING sensations (vulnerable truths, desires, hesitations, curiosities, boundaries, edges) in order to digest TRAUMA (whatever triggers, wanderings, upsets, and unfit projections separate the person from being present) to cultivate TRUST and so find rest in a place of presence, peace, and whimsy in relationship.
Fittibub is akin to and used similarly as the word Hygge, which we'll define here as a feeling of warmth and coziness in a group. A pleasant family gathering with a warm fire on a wintery night, say. Fittibub is along those lines, but more intimate, and more curious, and feels more like two children playing in a sandbox, or with a chest of toys. I've experienced Fittibub most potently in a space with just one other person, as this is the most nimble and adaptable relationship in terms of buy-in.
PROCESS
BEGINNING
Fittibub begins with a seed underground. An honest desire to connect from both people. To really be known, even if that desire is buried beneath fears. Roots set by the water of whimsy and the nourishment of shares and listening composting the soil. The sunlight of presence continue to feed Fittibub's expression. Cultivation often passes through sensations of discomfort or awkwardness and is reset to the pace of the participants.
PARTICIPANTS
There is room for everyone and all feelings in Fittibub because Fittibub lets go of what is unnecessary and returns to where the attention, the energy of connection is. Fittibub understands that all involved parties are worthy of being in Fittibub. Nobody can earn Fittibub. Nobody can achieve Fittibub. Fittibub is cultivated like a garden. Fittibub is always available to those who invite it in.
Fittibub considers first and foremost only those parties immediately engaged in Fittibub.
In a party of 2, there's 4 participants to be acknowledged. There's 1) my idea (or projection) of me, 2) my idea of you, 3) your idea of you, and 4) your idea of me. Fittibub expresses judgments and projections as curiosities. Generalizations about "the way people work" are best expressed as "the way I work" and "the way You work". This is believed to cultivate presence.
PRESENCE
Fittibub remains in the present moment by expressing when thoughts of the past (longing and regret) and the future (hopes and worries) come up and is interested to identify what sort of present feeling drives the participant to move into the past and the future.
LANGUAGE
Fittibub understands that language is "house rules", and that definitions are not absolute. Fittibub extends its leaves with "tuning" to check the difference between what is "said" and what is "heard". Fittibub understands that there is a difference between what is SAID and what is HEARD. Crossing the distance between what is SAID and what is HEARD is accomplished by slowing down and "retuning". Fittibub slows down and "retunes" to each new connection and each new upset or wave of energy. Fittibub agrees to pause whenever anyone takes anything personally, and to reaffirm the relationship, the connection.
Fittibub considers first and foremost only those parties immediately engaged in Fittibub.
In a party of 2, there's 4 participants to be acknowledged. There's 1) my idea (or projection) of me, 2) my idea of you, 3) your idea of you, and 4) your idea of me. Fittibub expresses judgments and projections as curiosities. Generalizations about "the way people work" are best expressed as "the way I work" and "the way You work". This is believed to cultivate presence.
PRESENCE
Fittibub remains in the present moment by expressing when thoughts of the past (longing and regret) and the future (hopes and worries) come up and is interested to identify what sort of present feeling drives the participant to move into the past and the future.
LANGUAGE
Fittibub understands that language is "house rules", and that definitions are not absolute. Fittibub extends its leaves with "tuning" to check the difference between what is "said" and what is "heard". Fittibub understands that there is a difference between what is SAID and what is HEARD. Crossing the distance between what is SAID and what is HEARD is accomplished by slowing down and "retuning". Fittibub slows down and "retunes" to each new connection and each new upset or wave of energy. Fittibub agrees to pause whenever anyone takes anything personally, and to reaffirm the relationship, the connection.
EXPRESSION/CONNECTION/TRUTH
Fittibub understands that connection is more important than the sensations of the body. And that expression of the sensations of the body are what sustain Fittibub. Fittibub makes room for food and water and welcome touch and space and stretches and bathroom breaks. These are good moments to check in and see whether Fittibub wants to adjust or feels complete. Fittibub makes room for true (what is felt in the body) pride, shame, and desire to be expressed and acknowledged. Fittibub invites those participants to share their Ask, their expression. Fittibub follows "Yes" and makes space for "No" and "I don't know". None of which are more desirable in principle than the others.
There is no falling behind or getting ahead in Fittibub. Fittibub makes time for all uncomforts to be heard and understood, and addressed to the best abilities of those involved, and so can move very slowly. Fittibub is first and foremost concerned with finding the unique pitch, tone, and tempo that comes out of each participant, like an emotional drum circle.
Fittibub is paced so participants remain on tempo with noticing and presencing reactions that arise in their body. Assumptions that are made and stories that are woven to orient around those feelings. ("I felt bad when he said that, he must have meant that to hurt me")
A response to a share might be "how did that feel to share?" This takes the attention of the other away from the weeds of the story and into their body, their now, with the person. A response to "how did that feel to share?" might sound like "I feel relief like a weight lifted; I feel surprised to have said it; I feel fear in how you might respond."
LISTENINGFittibub listens, affirms, reflects, and unpacks because Fittibub has a vested interest in what the other person is paying attention to. Fittibub does not want to HAVE the other's attention, Fittibub wants to UNDERSTAND what MOTIVATES the other's attention, as vaguely or specifically as that attention (whether it be "opening" or "closing" in nature) wants to be known.
Fittibub pays more attention to energy (tone, body language, context, word CHOICE) than words alone. Fittibub understands words are only scaffolding to relationship. What-is-said kneels before what-is-true.
Fittibub understand that expression and listening are more important than fulfillment. This makes room for The Ask. Fittibub understands that language is "house rules" (no definition is absolute, words are just used to convey meaning) and so pauses to check the meaning of each word.
COMFORTABLE SILENCE
Fittibub is as comfortable in silence as it is in dialogue or play. Fittibub notices nervous chatter or nervous silence and is curious about the source of nervous energy.
Fittibub uses boredom and disengagement not as a judgment of worth, but as an indicator that the connection is not making space for all the attentions involved. This is a moment to check in, whether you are bored or The Other seems bored.
FOR ITS OWN SAKE
Fittibub has no end-game, but is aware of and curious about the attention of the Self and the Other. Fittibub is steered by Whimsical and Meaningful Curiosity and fueled is by epiphany.
INVITATIONS
Each curiosity presented is only an invitation. Fittibub does not expect fulfillment so much as listening, attention, and space.
Fittibub is curious for curiosity's sake. Fittibub is expressive for expression's sake. Fittibub only wants to hear what wants to be shared.
EDGES
Fittibub understands and gently explores Edges as ways to healing old trauma and expand what's available to the participants. ("edges" feel like "I'm not sure about this, let's slow down and proceed carefully")
BOUNDARIES
Fittibub understands and wholly respects Boundaries as guides to connection to avoid triggers. ("boundaries" feel like "nope, nope, nope, that's wrong for me")
TRIGGERS
The road to Fittibub invariably triggers people. Fittibub understands that nobody is responsible for the trigger, but makes space to unpack a trigger. By discerning the difference between an old trauma response and the truth of the involved people's desire for connection, those involved in cultivating Fittibub proceed carefully through "edges" and so evolve their state of Fittibub.
It is a return to trust that moves trigger responses through and returns to connection. Trust is the campfire. Trust is the energy that binds relationship and dissolves old wounds. Trust makes room for life to move through participants, in all its uncertainty. It is the north star that moves participants through discomforts like hurt and doubt.
TAKING SOMETHING PERSONALLY/FORGIVENESS
Fittibub admits when something is taken personally, and understands that taking something personally is self-inflicted, and that there is no shame in this. It becomes an opportunity for healing within the container of Fittibub.
FORGIVENESS
Fittibub releases stories not relevant to the connection. It identifies sensations and holds space for presence. Forgiveness is the death of what was assumed. Forgiveness is the confession of being wrong. The airing of the shame of being wrong. The witnessing of shame. Fittibub is a steady stream of projections and second chances.
Fittibub allows forgiveness because it releases the pride of being right. Fittibub starts over when the conversation dies. Fittibub dies and dies and dies again. Fittibub lets go of "I forget where I was" and understands that tracking details is less important than connection, which is defined by everyone's attention noticing the same thing at the same time.
RE-TUNING
Trust is paramount to the sanctity of Fittibub. Forgiveness is invited to be abundant. Trust-building happens at a pace that is comfortable for ALL participants to express EACH assumption as they arise. A conversation that moves too fast is full of assumptions. To slow down is to make room for assumptions to be shared and affirmed or dispelled.
Fittibub can be stopped at any time by any of the participants. Fittibub only wants to have what wants to be had. To receive what wants to be given, and to be given what wants to be received. It is my understanding of Fittibub that people usually have something that others want and want something others have. Fittibub is a Way of emotional exchange, closing a circuit to pass electricity between hearts.
INNER CHILD
Fittibub is a connecting, deepening and healing endeavor. Fittibub is a dance of the minds. Fittibub is a homeostasis of more than one nervous system in relationship. Fettibub is fun at its healthiest expression. While in a state of Fittibub, all involved parties have made space for their inner child and have access to otherwise unfettered joy and whimsy. As this joy and whimsy inspires new activities, new edges and boundaries will arise, those in a state of Fittibub can pause and dispel unwarranted fears or unpack and explore in a mutual search for "same-page-ness" to bask in mutual presence and wonder.
It is a return to trust that moves trigger responses through and returns to connection. Trust is the campfire. Trust is the energy that binds relationship and dissolves old wounds. Trust makes room for life to move through participants, in all its uncertainty. It is the north star that moves participants through discomforts like hurt and doubt.
TAKING SOMETHING PERSONALLY/FORGIVENESS
Fittibub admits when something is taken personally, and understands that taking something personally is self-inflicted, and that there is no shame in this. It becomes an opportunity for healing within the container of Fittibub.
FORGIVENESS
Fittibub releases stories not relevant to the connection. It identifies sensations and holds space for presence. Forgiveness is the death of what was assumed. Forgiveness is the confession of being wrong. The airing of the shame of being wrong. The witnessing of shame. Fittibub is a steady stream of projections and second chances.
Fittibub allows forgiveness because it releases the pride of being right. Fittibub starts over when the conversation dies. Fittibub dies and dies and dies again. Fittibub lets go of "I forget where I was" and understands that tracking details is less important than connection, which is defined by everyone's attention noticing the same thing at the same time.
RE-TUNING
Trust is paramount to the sanctity of Fittibub. Forgiveness is invited to be abundant. Trust-building happens at a pace that is comfortable for ALL participants to express EACH assumption as they arise. A conversation that moves too fast is full of assumptions. To slow down is to make room for assumptions to be shared and affirmed or dispelled.
Fittibub can be stopped at any time by any of the participants. Fittibub only wants to have what wants to be had. To receive what wants to be given, and to be given what wants to be received. It is my understanding of Fittibub that people usually have something that others want and want something others have. Fittibub is a Way of emotional exchange, closing a circuit to pass electricity between hearts.
INNER CHILD
Fittibub is a connecting, deepening and healing endeavor. Fittibub is a dance of the minds. Fittibub is a homeostasis of more than one nervous system in relationship. Fettibub is fun at its healthiest expression. While in a state of Fittibub, all involved parties have made space for their inner child and have access to otherwise unfettered joy and whimsy. As this joy and whimsy inspires new activities, new edges and boundaries will arise, those in a state of Fittibub can pause and dispel unwarranted fears or unpack and explore in a mutual search for "same-page-ness" to bask in mutual presence and wonder.
COMPLETE
Fittibub knows when it is done and when it is not. Fittibub understands there is a difference between being "done" with a thought and being "complete" with an interaction. Fittibub does not need to be done to feel complete. Completion does not reflect the potency of the interaction. Fittibub mindfully disengages upon completion. ETYMOLOGY
The word itself was born in pursuit of the thing it describes. Ice-breaking is the first act of Fittibub. It is rinsed and repeated into more refined depths of connection.
The word Fittibub was born in a game of banangrams intended to instill a sense of hygge between the housemates and the visitors before our group Friendsgiving. I caught myself stressed out trying to keep up with the game, which requires making scrabble words with letter pieces. I thought it was funny to just see what kind of silly words I could make instead and decided my laughter was more important than my competitiveness. I made myself laugh enough times t
o convince the group to join in my game, so we set out to assemble "and define" fake words instead.
One of the players, destined to be a Fittibub pioneer, drew the letters B-U-B. The next letter she drew was "I", and so held "I-B-U-B". The next letters she drew were "T", another "T", a second "I", and finally an "F". Each letter called themselves to the nonword, "Bub" and so gave way to "F-I-T-T-I-B-U-B", which had the group in deep belly laughs, speculating its meaning.
The bracelet "FITTIBUB" was far and wide the anchoring act of thoughtfulness that bridged connection between triggers. It wasn't supposed to be made, but I made it because I thought it was funny to bring to the show. It served as the inside joke that survived a relationship to the fires of mistrust and old relationship wounds that came up as I pursued connection with this person.
Fittibub was given meaning on a date between two people who do not live in the same town, who decided to connect intimately by way of heart instead of bodies. Fittibub is the word I use to describe experiences I have had before and now experiences I will have later.
Fittibub lives in its use. If anyone has had an experience like this, or would like to, please use this article as a basis, an inspiration for a place to go with someone who you'd like to connect with. Instead of "let's hang out", we could say "let's bring in some Fittibub"
Remember, even born in a state of whimsy, words have power.
The keyboard and the touchscreen are mightier than bombs, fires, and oceans.
So says Fittibub.
