Monday, September 21, 2020

One White Man's Thoughts on "The Social Dilemma" Today

An un-essay, for those who watched The Social Dilemma, and those who like to read my writing:

I’m thinking about these profit-oriented algorithms which make space for chaos and misinformation. 

Thinking about the illusion he’s talking about, the negative connotation of "illusion". What's the opportunity here for me? What if this is an opportunity to see what a really grand illusion is like so I can identify more nuanced illusions?

I’m thinking about “if we can’t agree on what’s true, we won’t be able to handle the real issues.” What if this is capitalism dissolving itself? That it was always going to get to this point and a system was always going to eat itself. 

I think about Attention. 

“What I see is a bunch of people who are trapped by a business model, an economic incentive and shareholder pressure that makes it almost impossible to do something else.”

This reminds me of the land development industry. How disconnected the investors are from the land. Such vast quantities of money which only hope to seed the land and hope only to grow in the eyes of shareholders and only by the measure of economics.

Which is to say, what if this social media problem is NOT ONLY IN SOCIAL MEDIA. These attitudes dwell within our whole system. Because we value money. That's what money is, in some sense, a language of value. We spend money to create MONEY. Of COURSE. Value begets value, perhaps this is natural and good, simply with misdirected Attention.  

Here's some more nuance: As a capitalist with a bank account, I ask myself: am I making more than I’m spending? Good. How can I widen that gap even more? How can I earn the most and spend the least?

There’s something worth articulating in here.

The attitude of making more and spending less works as a gas pedal for white people to get from struggling to make rent up to a point of having money to invest. This is the ideal story. 

Something breaks there, though. What do I do with the stockpile which adds up over time? Once there’s enough to invest, there’s enough to share, but I continue to ask myself only one question: Am I making more than I'm spending? How can I widen that gap? 

There’s no check point which tells the earner to do that. The attitude remains “make even more, spend even less”.

Maybe it begins so innocent as: "A rainy day is coming. Keep a nest egg."

These ideas don’t seem unreasonable!! But they’re in a vacuum. They don’t account for the storms raging for my neighbor. My neighbor is outside of my nervous system. I am disconnected from my neighbor. As a bachelor, I am only connected to the energy systems of myself, responsible for only myself, and I get brownie points, I get pride, I get righteousness when I carve out a piece of my self and give it away. 

My "nervous system" expands when I have a family, perhaps. The tracking of spending and saving become more weighty. Money in and money out. Is there more coming in than there is going out? Can I create an artificial delay between dry seasons where I can survive? Can I build a big enough reservoir that I can be COMFORTABLE in a dry season? But where do I consider the end of Myself in this consideration? As a bachelor it stops at me. 

Now here is social media, this grand nervous system!! But it is attuned also to MONEY. But money in the centralized way. As if the whole of social media is a field and I am the crop. Who is the farmer? Who is the farmer's family?

We who programmed social media do not understand the interconnectedness of us to the land, nor of ourselves to each other, these algorithms reflect this disconnect. 

My question to you: what do these algorithms point to? What if instead of balance in terms of crops in and crops out, they could speak about balance in terms of a planet's diversity and resilience? A measure not of "never-had-to-fall-down-ness", but instead a value in "getting-back-up-ness". We look not to the wealthy for guidance but the poor who again and again show the human spirit?

This idea is already familiar! This is already the American Ideal in the abstract. 

What does it look like to write algorithms which understand the interconnectedness? For software to understand excess and lack. To understand both of these are equally unhealthy to even the software itself. The machines have checks and balances for temperature and voltage. These algorithms for regulation and balance exist within mainframes. 

We have the statistics to understand how a poor person behaves relative to a rich person. Obviously one corrective model would become perverse under different circumstances. These models are already outside human control. Designers have fallen prey to their own designs already, so why not this? 

How do we remove nobility from these systems, too? I do not believe any path forward will be comfortable. Perhaps even meaningless. I write this paper only for my own pleasure. 

Perhaps instead of justice simply feels like breathing. We breathe in and breathe out with faith the air will be there. Our breathing out is NECESSARY. Our breathing out MAKES LIFE WHICH BREATHES OUT INTO US. 

What does it look like to apply this to money? I am not compelled to stockpile air. What if money was not fire for warmth for power but air to breathe? What if money was not just fuel for lights and friends, but erosive like rivers behind dams. What if dams are not all bad? What if efficiency works until it, too, spoils? How do we recognize efficiency which has spoiled?

The exercise of visioning is pleasurable in itself. I have no agenda for change or focus, but untangling and unpacking, decompressing, making a mess as an opportunity to put our room back together differently because it would feel good to do so. Not because there is a better way to arrange the bedroom, but because I am changing and it feels good to express that change in physical space.

Advertisers are paying for my attention so I stumble upon their company. They are asking to be seen. They keep my focus on my phone and put messages in front of you, baked into whatever you’re paying attention to, otherwise.

Funny, though. Scottish tartans, I’ve been told, were a marketing technique to get people to buy material. Still, they are romanticized. 

My intention here is to find little leverage points against these systems. Chinks in the armor of giants and the stories which wrap their illusions. My advantage against these forces is that they see me only as a simple raw nerve ending, a consumer deeply entranced by the game of the system I inhabit. So I am.

My advantage and my sovereignty is to accept discomfort as I am able. Perhaps discomfort has always been the way to integrity in connection. The documentary states that the each new technology has threatened a way of humanity, but, the documentary says, social media is different. It adapts beyond the powers of the creators. Such an energy, but without nefarious intent, simply oriented towards energy. Energy in the form of advertising money woven into what we are most excited by — which I interpret to be polarizing nobility rooted more in feeling than in circumstance. 

What makes social media different is that it is adaptive. Its goal is to retain attention, because the programmers measure attention in dollars and cents, which is the value.

I’m not going to try and save the world but I can reflect on this, myself, as a participant and as one who intends to be a father one day.

Is regulation the answer? Data tax?

[this is a hard question to form. Perhaps the very desire to formulate a solution so suddenly is part of this social ecology? Why am I compelled to find an answer? What does it mean to ask more questions? What if there is a better question?]

Who produced this movie? Where did the money come from? What are they motivated by?

The interviewers talk about freedom, does this documentary define freedom? How many definitions of freedom are interpreting this film? 

—-

Perhaps the energy which scrapes the old stagnant ways free is anger. Perhaps the energy which breaks through the shell, the birth canal, is grief. What does it mean to just stand and watch and grieve?

—-

We created this and we have the chance to change it. 

Are we going to change this?

We have to.

Saturday, September 12, 2020

Trapped in Space, Free in Time

A photo of me at the end of May, 2020, after 3 months of quarantine


Dear Beloved, 

In March, my outer world constricted and my inner world opened. My calendar lay barren and I returned to cycles of childhood loafing and time-scarce anxiety. Over the months since I've been tripping over artifacts of quick, sharp, potent, unprocessed times in journals and mementos, expanding and integrating the texture of them in the spaciousness of an open schedule. Breathing life into soft corners of me which have only arisen once or twice, I itch away dead skin, I quietly gather piles of trash as my body slowly settles into permission to enter fires of grief and release to smoke and ash.

In my own time with quarantine, I've carried with me a small idea from Augusto Boal, founder of Theater of the Oppressed. As I understand from my limited knowedge, he was arrested for  the practice using street theater to give voice to the voiceless. He reflected that in prison he became trapped in space, but free in time.

After months of feeling kept into a jar, the Oregon Wildfire Air arrived. Portland has filled with some of the worst air quality in the world. Even with sealed windows and doors, the main floor of our house filled with unhealthy air, sequestering the communal spaces and grounding me to my room as if I ought to think about what I've done. So I am called deeper into restricted space and abundant time for solitude and reckoning with The Void.

An air filter fan for the smoke in our house






















In my own experience, I've been imagining the hive of bees called Portland being lulled to sedation by the last shout of a vast forest and can't help but imagine the natural effects of climate change, which we call storms, will be both terrible and gentle. Perhaps we will be too late to save ourselves and each other from the supreme discomfort of a changing climate, but I believe each of us will discover clarity in our own right time, and balance will always come and go in cycles. The belief I carry in my heart says there is room at the table for all. Everything will be okay. There is Enough.

Feeling some tough feelings on Saturday, September 12, 2020

 

There resides in me a deep care which does not trust the world. I do not want to give what I do not feel is seen by the receiver. I do not know who to help and I am afraid to know. I haven't begun to really consider those who have lost everything they knew. The grief, the constant grief, the holding-on, the frustrations, the projections, the listening and the not-listening, I am distressed to know this is all here, that I want to fix the world and the fixing can only happen in me. I remind myself everyone's path is their own and mine is mine. I can't help who it is I can help. I can help. I delight in my helpfulness when it comes from my heart and I feel seen in my wholeness.

With all lost to the fire I can't help but feel hopeful to see this as an opportunity to build back in alignment with the visions of pressure-cooker quarantine. All the thought and visioning we've collectively had with new ways of being already, new ways we could be, I can't help but see chance to rebuild differently.

Some flowers from times with cleaner air

With the destruction of land comes the opening of land. With the release of the past comes space for the present. Destruction and creation are stories told relative to the narrative of humanity. Where we create cities, we destroy habitat, and perhaps where cities are destroyed, new habitat is created. What opportunities are there to work with these massive energies outside of us? I consider this practice is already at work with the stock market. People arrive to the market and "earn" money by putting money in the right place at the right time. Can we ride climate change in this same way?

The ending of some diversity comes empty space for new diversity to fill. A blank canvas invites creative expression. I carefully tend this vision of walking into change within me. I gently hold the parts of me who refuse to grieve because they refuse to let go of what was, who are holding so tightly to a return to what was, so I can walk lightly into what can be, which begins with myself.

/// "What's that?" /// "...a circle." ///
A latest sketch on top of 15 years of journals

 
This sketch above most completely expresses my understanding of how I form the narrative of who I am and who I think I should be. Certainly the language from the outside has helped me begin to navigate who i am in relation to others, a keystone in any relationship, but it is up to me to step into and actually explore the Truth of who I really am. Each day I revisit the scribbles with only the word "circle" in hand, and each day I learn new words like arc, spiral, swoop, slorp, swoosh to explore and express the nuances of me. I understand I am constantly changing and as soon as I master one word, a void appears which none of my vocabulary can completely master.
 
I stepped into my 27th birthday with the intention to find new perspective which would help refine the intentions I have for my life. I offer my gratitude for all who made time to send me a note or a call or a gift, I sincerely dwelt in a nest of diverse offerings.

The fruit of the love I received is expressed below in the form of an intention-writing exercise an acquaintance of mine shared. Each intention is written in the present tense as if I am already doing it, with a strongly emotive adverb. I offer this to everyone as an invitation to take on what feels resonant, leave the rest, and perhaps as a seed to one day play with an intention-writing game, too.

I begin like this:

I am joyfully committed to the knowingness within me which begets the intentions I must set to serve my highest good and greatest growth.
  • I am courageously stepping into discomfort to be known by myself and others in my wholeness.
  • I am enthusiastically crafting space for my lover each day so she knows she is found both as a projection within me and a complex and perfect sovereign being outside of me.
  • Each day I generously release my pride and ambition as an offering for the sake of knowing grace and inspiration.
  • I am nimbly aware of and respond to energies which open and close within me. Gentleness and slowness for the opening, and patience for the closing. I know when to be with energy like anxiety, restlessness. frustration, despair, fear, excitement, activation, joyfulness, and whimsy and when to let go.
  • I am thoughtfully and generously creating the world I live in with how I direct my attention and resources.
  • Each day I lovingly create time for that which my heart desires. I trust my heart's knowing to guide me to a more full life.
  • I lovingly and intentionally revisit the past for perspective and awareness of my trajectory. I am lovingly releasing my attachments with gratitude and trust they and their memory will return at the right time. 
  • I whimsically adjust the knobs of myself (visions, attention, feelings about feelings, thoughts about thoughts) in pursuit of playing with the song of each changing moment.
  • I thoughtfully permit what I judge to be "messes" as opportunities for self-study and opportunities to move or work with stuck energy.
  • I am skillfully navigating all the transitions of the departures and arrivals of my life. I understand grief as a mirror image of love and disappointment as a reflection of agreements, assumptions, and desires of each individual person.
  • I am whimsically concocting treasure hunts each day in pursuit of manifesting my heart's desires, which I trust to make for a fulfilling life.
  • I am eagerly speaking to and unpacking words of resonance in pursuit of inspiration.
  • Each day I generously offer my energy (attention, time, resources) to space-building in reverence to the void, which I perceive to be a vast, ineffable, and unconditional Love.
  • Each day, with my words and the spaces I hold with my attention, I joyfully weave trust into my social network, that it may ripple out into the greater resiliency of my community as well as my own personal well-being.
  • I am passionately in pursuit of knowing the wholeness of others as well as revealing the wholeness of me through vulnerably expressing direct requests, boundaries, and brave curiosity.
  • I am aware of and lovingly bringing abundant nourishment to the parts of me which are holding on to incomplete ideas which helped me navigate connection in the past and can now be filled with the knowledge of the present awareness.
  • I am carefully tuned into the wisdom of my body which asks for nourishment and I am serving them each day with gladness of heart.
  • I am passionately attuning my awareness of circumstance to the vision of my most authentic, diverse, and whole self each day.
  • I am joyfully noticing the pathways in which love is given and received within myself and others I am connected to.
  • I am diligently aware of the ways I engage in numbing behavior to regulate my difficult feelings.
  • I am wholly awake to and am lovingly dismantling the patriarchal and white supremacy culture structures within me through relational activism and listening. This dismantling is meaningful and inherently rewarding work, nourishing me and those I am connected to.
  • I am lovingly opening my awareness to the ease of life's inherent beauty. I understand my circumstances are only manifestations of how my attention navigates the conditions I perceive to be my reality and there are larger forces at work than my will, that nothing is certain, and each breath is a gift.
  • I am lovingly bringing light to all the shadowy corners which I am called to walk down in each unique season of life.
And I end this way:
 
I am joyfully committed to the need to understand and receive the knowingness within me which begets the intentions I must set to serve my highest good and greatest growth.
 
Till next time,
Riley
 
Cleaner air is coming, reach out, friends, reach out