To Wonder

I met God in Ireland.

It started with a really selfish journey.
To my parents, I am sorry for what I put you through. I'm still growing.

I got bored with adulthood and America and wanted to reignite the wonder I found so easily as a kid. From chocolate cake to trees, then cars and warmth and toys and television and computers and presents and birthdays and Christmas trees and the internet and music and new clothes and electronics and women and sex and porn and video games and attention and pride and accomplishment and promise and new new new new, and good stories and thrills and driving fast and food and being young and having free time and using free time and giving everyone attention and being a good person and seizing the day and good poems and writing good poems and being accomplished and loved and INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL TO IRELAND all of it gave me rest and joy and peace and eventually disappointed me.
I kept looking and climbing to higher peaks and finding more peaks
And I found no lasting satisfaction
Not even in these rolling hills abroad.
No lasting peace
and suddenly

God.

Intensely.
Then doubts.
In Ireland, I faced those doubts.
I stayed in, I studied a lot. I read a lot. I listened and watched. I had meals with my roommates and I loved them and the basket of other friends I made. I asked and wondered and doubted.
For the first time, without obligation or pride or bigotry,  (Well, it's really hard to say all of those were absent, but my view was less clouded)
I fell in love.





I've long debated
switching the track of my blog here.
Or at least inviting God by name.
Or by so many names.

There's a certain vocabulary that the church draws from. It's big and wide and powerful and flowery and it freaks me out. I've began to see past the (arguably exclusive) language and hear the stories. The new understanding of love that is suggested in these stories has given me so much more purpose and wonder and rest.

Rest.

I want to explore this new wonder.

My settlement, then, is not to preach (except I'm really bad about that because I love to preach),
but instead to share doubts, theories, ideas, interpretations, misunderstandings, questions, all in pursuit of understanding.

I resolve then
To wonder.