Rome in Filthy Rags

December 4th, 2014
I wrote this upon return from my only out-of-country excursion from my Europe-based headquarters in Ireland. I was judgmental (and jealous) of those who traveled to different countries every weekend. I viewed them as wealthy, proud, showboaty list-checkers who were thinking more about all their stories they'd tell when they got home than the times they were having now. I was also jealous. I was proud of working hard in my academics while abroad. This trip was my one indulgence I took on my own. I ended up getting sick right between taking a weekend for my adventure and my upcoming finals. Here's what I wrote:

I am writing in the crock-pot of a sick day.
Lots of words. Lots to process. [I want some good reading material.]

I went to Rome and I took about eight pictures.
My visit was so bad by so many standards. I spent most of my time hungry and tired.
I was swindled, ignored, treated politely, begged to, guided, and walked, walked, walked.
Too sad to order food on my own, without the spirit to order wine on my own more than once, I kept to fruit stands and ice cream shops. I met the peddlers, the homeless, I met the rich and vacationing lost souls caught still in adolescence at a bar,
looking for the world just like I was.
Most people I talked to, usually ended up with some of my money. I was sad about it.
There were a few people, though, where we really saw each other.
We waved.

Now the downhill rush,
I've got finals coming up, there's this rich smoke in the air and I can't breathe right through my own snot.

But really
I'm so out of touch with so much of this university junk.

Honestly, over the last week or so, I just fell so in love with God
and I don't even know how to express it.
My heart is aching at how I haven't been celebrating it,
how I don't know who to celebrate it with.
Like
I've been a Christian,
I've gone to church,
worked at church camps
recited the creeds,
held hands during prayer,
I've been tolerant and pious,
I've tithed or not tithed,
I've researched other religions,
Seen the global perspective,
Marveled at how little I know,
Felt so small,
felt so big
but
never
have I
been
this in love.