I'm practicing my Presence like a one-man band to the teeth with musical instruments.
This is my garden of Now. I am cultivating Beingness Fruit.
I am awkward and clumsy with this infinite instrument. This body with all of its physics and blood and electricity. I am present, I am deep in projections, imaginings, supposings, hopes, wishes, wonderings, refinement, practice, I am breath, I am avoiding breath, I am present.
I changed my living arrangement the same weekend I said goodbye to an exciting new friend who moved away. Chapter's end and a chapter's end. A physical closing for an emotional closing.
The past 3 years I've been describing as:
1. Anxiety
2. Concerts
3. Self-Discovery (slowing down)
We're a few months into the 4th:
4. Cultivation
I know Self-Discovery never really ends, but I'm TELLING YOU I've never been so introspective in my life. And now it feels like a moment to slow down. Notice the patterns of introspection. Let go of those patterns. Hold. Release. Grab on. Let go. Define. Unravel. Enjoy. Feel the texture of the yarn with my eyes and my hands. All that's left is texture.
SOCIALLY:
I'm saying "no" to "investing time in my relationships" which sends me into anxiety around feeling inconsiderate and self-isolating. I realize much of my "investment" has been pride-driven anxiety-run noise maker guessing games going on in my head throughout much of what I imagined my life to be. Every time my vast network of guesses was discordant with somebody's action, I panic and feel hurt or confused and would resolve the energy by being quiet, or playing up my persona so my heart could hide, hide, hide.
I was waiting for a castle of security to go where I wanted. To claim the wilderness and surround it with walls. I wanted an insurance policy. I wanted everyone to know my needs so everyone could stand up for me so I wouldn't have to. I still want an insurance policy. I'm still scared to stand up for myself. Freedom is scary.
I'm practicing leaving my phone on airplane mode. I find my craving and anticipation of notifications is curbed.
Keep checking in on me. Radar pings of hello are nourishing. I'm practicing my No. Gently accepting my No is nourishing. Leave lots of space for me to develop my ask. There is a lot of deep hunger in me and there is a whole vocabulary to build around that. To build trust with you to know what I mean when I ask. To trust you only use your Hell Yes. I do not want to take what you need. I do not want to owe you. I do not want you to resent me. I do not want you to be jealous of me. I am tuning to your language and what you mean by all your words, too.
INTERNALLY:
My relationship with the present moment.
This idea of being ENOUGH.
I'm noticing the rhythm of my thinking RIGHT NOW.
I've been fighting, fighting, fighting, categorizing, and now I'm letting go, taking notes, paying attention. I'm noticing thoughts about the past and the future in terms of RIGHT NOW.
I AM ENOUGH
RIGHT
NOW
.
Anticipated/Rehearsed conversations: I recognize anticipated conversations as unresolved conversations in my head. Whether it's a conversation I have ON my schedule or I NEED to put on my schedule, I'll run through my interaction with the person. When I see them as myself, the anxiety slows, calms. I let the conversation happen and I play with imagining myself as the other person.
I am already enough.
Commuting: My throat is tight on the bus. I wonder if I'm going to the right place. Home is decentralized for me. Home is wherever I am in tune with my heart. But where? I am wrapped in denial and confusion. There is static. What song is my heart playing? There are so many ideas that are justified in logic. Did I leave work too soon? Too late? Should I go to the grocery store? Is my heart in a major key or a minor key? Should I take care of myself? Should I visit a friend?
Breathe.
The noise is still there.
Breathe.
I imagine being home eating my dinner. While I eat my dinner I imagine eating desert. While I eat dessert, I imagine feeling full and happy on the couch. While I am on the couch I imagine being asleep. I cannot sleep. So I am stuck. So I am beginning to recognize this "stuck" as just another thought, just like the pizza. So I have a wider view. I oscillate between this wider view and right there between the pizza and my teeth. I remember dinner. I regret my decision and so that regret echoes all the way back to the minute I decided to leave work. I don't know what to do differently tomorrow, but today I failed.
Breathe.
I am already where I am supposed to be.
Journaling: I'm paying attention to what I choose to write now. First I just wrote SOMEthing every day. I used to stretch my mind through the day and hungrily gather the most words I could from the day before I grew fatigued or felt complete. My journals were my immortality. I'd write in the way I wanted to be remembered. Now I write all the most memory-triggering words. I figure if I want to go back and unpack the details of an experience, I can flit around key words and entire experiences will become available to me. Even then, my journals are not so much an account of my life as they are a practice. I remind myself every time I journal that the pages will not outlast me by much. Breathe. The way I choose words is beginning to change.
Even writing fades.
Going to bed: This practice is changing. Normally it's "go to sleep". Or "Distract myself until I feel tired". Discipline tells me I can affect how quickly I fall asleep. If I fall asleep too late, it is my fault. I didn't exercise enough. If I am awake, I am ashamed. Distract, avoid, ignore. Thinking and creating keep me up. It's a show. If I don't fall asleep within 42 minutes, I'll be up another three hours. I'm tired of watching this show, what's a good episode? Breathe. There's still so much noise, I know you're trying to manipulate me. Breathe.
I will always be enough.
Romantic stories: I can now see the storybook I am in even now. I write these stories in my mind so I can live them so I can tell them. By projecting a dragon and a romantic and sexual tension, I create opportunities for myself to be brave and earn my worth. Both as a lover and a storyteller, there is social worth to this romance. I recognize myself as my own gatekeeper to peace. My fear is that if I allow myself to rest on this, I will not be motivated. I will not lock down a partner, and everyone will know I wasn't good enough to be loved. I will wear this mark of shame and attract "should" energy for all the ways to go about fixing myself to be worthy of a partner. Breathe. I love the stories I create, for these are the bells and gongs I ring that sing out my poetry. But oh the pressure to "win!" I can release the pressure to win. I can experience it and be ashamed and share that shame and continue on, grateful for the gift of the story. I also know I am more than these stories. I am more than a romantic. I am more than a storyteller. I am more than a lover. I am my own gatekeeper. Breathe.
I am already worthy of Love.
Love is Here.
Love is Now.
Love is Always Here Forever.
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