"So, what's in Guatemala?"

Leap!

 

I am in Guatemala.

 

Blinkspinblinkspin

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Listen:

So: 

It starts here:

I am an                 engineer because

My father is an     engineer because

His uncle is an     engineer because

There wasn’t         enough food otherwise.

So, I get my degree

So I can have         enough food otherwise.

Years go by,

Work, work, work, 

Dull, dull, dull, 

but there's food,

Grind, grind, grind,

but there's a roof, 

Hump day, hump day, hump day,

and I write poems

Chug, chug, chSNAG?

s

n

AHHH

GARONAVIRUS?

snag? (covid) wait     COVID

I peek my head outside 

the cave (the grind - the dream - the real world)

I’ve been inside this cave,

Grinding away in this cave, 

Keep the fire lit,

(what if it goes out?)

wait,   

~ S U N B E A M  ~ 

~ S  P  E  A  K  S ~

Seek out the Light

Follow the Energy 

Speak your Truth

 

 ~~~~~~~>

 ~~~~~~~>

 ~~~~~~~>

 ~~~~~~~>

 ~~~~~~~>   

 

CRACKwaggleSHKKKKK

My mother is dead

My mother is dead

MY MOTHER IS DEAD

MY MOTHER IS DEAD 

M Y M O T H E R I S D E A D

work

M  Y   M  O  T  H  E  R   I  S   D  E  A  D

work

MY MOTHER IS DEAD 

work

WmOyRmKoWtOhReKrWiOsRdKeWaOdRk

I am home

working

I am back at work 

my mother is dead

I am in love again!

This is my Soul Mate! 

This is life!

I am okay, I can start a Family, 

My soulmate, She's perfect, She's just who I need her to be

This is my s!o!u!l m!a!t!e !

[F$%& YOU, RILEY!]

 

 

my soul mate is Dead,

Dead, like, I mean, 

I'm more than this:

 a wife, 2.5 kids, a dog, picket fence,

a hatchback station wagon with a car seat,

is dead 

I'm more than 

my mother is dead, she's more than,

Everything I (she) thought I (she) would be,

Everything I (she) thought I (she) needed to be,

in order to be considered enough.

I can't. won't. 

Because I am Enough Already.

My heart is broken,

I am Already Enough.

(I have Always been Good Enough)

I grieve all the reaching I've done to be

considered Good Enough

I have always been good enough

the dream of being good enough to be good enough,

the dream I was given is dead,

mymotherisdead

(((I stop working)))

h i b e r n a t i o n

    chrysalis

 

 ~

 

 ~

 

 ~

 

  chrysalis

I am adrift, asleep (sleeping?)

I am in Missoula, 

broken hearted, 

floating down the river,

my mother is holding my hand,

she is here with me,

My mother is dead, 

I am writing her eulogy, 

I am writing my mother's eulogy

I am at the pulpit,

my mother is dead

Reading her (my mother's) eulogy (eulogy, because she's dead):

(it's been a year since her death, did you know?)

Listen: 

My mother is dead

(the dream is dead)

I am (finally) living

I am (finally) in the wilderness                     

                               listening

 

. . . 

Halloween party visit to Portland:

"What are you dressed up as?"

mymotherisdeadyouknow

"I'm a wizard?"

shediedaroundhalloweenlastyear

"Who's your favorite wizard?" 

I'm moving to Seattle.

"Well there's lots of types of wizards like Harry Potter or Gandalf. And then there's Merlin!"

Life keeps going after death, you know?

"Ha! That's funny. You're funny. We can be friends."

I have to keep going. Keep working?

"We can be friends."

we call, (we talk on the phone)

my job, my mom, my job, my job, my job

she lives in Guatemala

I have to 

Work work work 

work work

work

L-I-F-E-G-O-E-S-O-N

Wake up! WAKE UP! WWAAKKEE UUPP!

T H I S  I S  R E A L  L I F E

I'm Moving to Seattle! for work work work

This is the way things are!!!

work work work

(phone calls: this work isn't working)

work work

(phone calls: I think I could build something else)

work 

(phone calls: I'm just getting by? I'm pent up? I'm so lucky. One of the lucky ones.)

work work

(phone calls: I'm comfortable, but...)

work work work

(phone calls: there has to be more?)

work work

(phone calls: I'm okay, fine, I'm fine, I'll be alright, this will get better)

work 

“I think you'd like it in Guatemala”

Work work work 

work work

work

work work

work {{My boss quits?}} work

Stomach work

d

r

o

p

s

 

My boss quit!

 

Abandon ship!

Back to Portland

Seattle was too far upstream 

Take me back, take me back,

"I think you'd like it in Guatemala" 

I'm back in Portland and I can breathe, I can finally

 

) ) ) b ~ r ~ e ~ a ~ t ~ h ~ e ( ( (

So,

it turns out I've been [u~n~d~e~r~w~a~t~e~r]

and    now

          now is the time to buy the tickets, 

          now is the time,
I am hanging over the edge 

I am looking over the

                            edge

                            and

                            what 

                            makes

                            me

                            JUMP

                            is

                            at

                            the

                            bottom 

                            there's THIS:

(and I am BRO/KEN open by THIS:)

 

I realize the JjOoYy I have found in the wake of my mothers passage.

My mother is dead and I can see now she is         so much more than I thought

Who I was around my mother is dead and I am    so much more than I thought 

This joy is unique to me

 

We all experience grief differently

I am broken open by the conviction to speak her death into life

With my words and my actions, 

I have to sing about who she IS NOW,

This living void carved by the Love of her Life Force in me, 

This void is magnetic, it takes an entire COMMUNITY to fill my heart again

(I am humbled by my community, thank you)

With my words and my actions,

Leap, leap, leap 

I have to (I am compelled) LIVE into what this LOVE is

 

I am in Guatemala.